Monday, May 23, 2005

Foolish Greed

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving."
- Colossians 3:23-24

I was utterly shattered today, after receiving another B+, one mark off an A. I've been doing really badly, getting the follwing:
Psychology SAC - B+
Science Quiz - C+
Science Genetics Test - C
Science Electronics Test - C+
History Identity Assignment - B+
History Foreign Policy Test - B+

I was seriously depressed in school today, and i just wanna apologise if i shrugged anyone off, or if i was disrespectful. It's just that i've never ever done so badly before, and these results just started flooding in in such a short time! I knew most of the facts, it's due to many many really stupid reasons that you won't believe. I actually spent countless hours studying and working on these assignments. I wasn't even expecting to do so badly! The most important thing is, my dream of getting into the top 5% and earning the Academic Badge is probably over. I've been doing really well since the start of term one, and now, in just a flash of a few weeks, all my hardwork's been flushed down the drain. It had been my motivation, but with that taken away, i don't see why i should try any harder in the second semester.

I spoke to my mum, and she reminded me of that verse at the start of my post. She said that i had the wrong motives, the wrong purpose in studying. I found it really true, exposed to the bone. I realised that the Academic Badge had been my only motivation, and that had to do with pride. I had been going on and on about Humility, when i was persuing pride all the long! I also thought that by just studying hard, putting hours and hours of studying into my day would be enough to earn me that badge. But i was wrong. My sole motive should be to study hard for God, and not to earn pride. My intellectual knowledge will get me no where if God's not behind me. I had a complete mental and spiritual renewal. From now on, i'll study hard so that God can use my intellectual to benefit others, i'll get the badge if God wants me to, and this will be my testimony.

I composed a song in the midst of agony.

Without You

When I'm feeling down,
With darkness all around.
Though i failed the test,
I'll look to you for rest.

Without you Lord,
Nothing is possible,
All things are vain.
I need you Lord,
My hands are weak,
But you're always strong!

When dreams fade away,
And all hope starts to die.
I breathe my final breath,
And heave my ending sigh.

* For Him who lifted me from the mirt clay. When i was down, you picked me up, corrected me, forgave me, and lead me to You.

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