Wednesday, April 29, 2009

A Cold Autumn Morning

I like breathing out a mist with every breath. It gives expiration an interesting twist, and it reminds me that I’m still respiring. Breathing is such an automatic process; a life-giving necessity that we take for granted. How many times in our busy day do we actually get to give our autonomic system a break and take a voluntary breath?

I’m glad that I’ve stopped to take a breath this chilly morning. Winter’s just around the corner and it’s making its presence felt already. There’s a cold front beaming over Melbourne this entire week with heavy showers and an average daily temperature range of 5-13 degrees. COLD! Rain hammered down incessantly through the night and it has left almost everything wet – the grass on South lawn, that leaves of the trees, the roads, the signboards, the statue in front of Ballieu library, even the person walking past me; somehow all rubbed shoulders with the phenomenon of falling clouds we call “rain”.

I got to Melbourne Uni really early this morning and the libraries aren’t open till 8.30am so I thought I’d blog for a bit. It’s a hobby of mine that I’ve neglected for a significant while. It feels so peaceful seated on a ledge just in front of the Ballieu library just admiring the berth of the sun’s rays greeting the green grass with a warm hug. I envy the grass… wouldn’t it be cool to wake up to a warm hug each cold winter morning?

Life’s been a little puzzling to me over the last month or so. I’m beginning to catch a glimpse of what Solomon meant when he said that everything on earth is futile; a “chasing after the wind”. Sports – I love soccer but the joy and fulfillment that it brings only lasts for bouts of 90 minutes, and it’s severely limited in its magnitude. The same concept applies to music and movies. There’s definitely more to life than sports, music, and movies. There are parties happening every weekend – people drink, dance, and get wasted – a fun night where you don’t have to feel responsible for your actions; a night lost in the drug highs of alcohol. Is life only about time-fillers that bring temporary joy.

The only thing in life that seems to have value is relationship. Through the course of this week, I found myself thanking God for the friends He's given me and all the fun (although temporary) that we shared together.

I need a real meaning and purpose in my life. I want something, someone to live for...

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I Need You, Lord...

"I will lift up my eyes to the hills-
From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth."
- Psalm 121: 1-2

I've been treading through a vast desert of spiritual dryness over the past few months. They're some of the most difficult times I've ever been through. Not long ago, I began to lose my passion and love for serving God. I admit to being extremely sloppy and unmotivated in serving Fungus - and i am sorry.

I've been feeling an unexpected sense of utter spiritual dryness. I seek God through his Word, prayer, and worship.. but I don't feel the sense of fulfillment that I had been receiving in the past. It's been very dejecting, and honestly, I've been lingering on the verge of depression.

I struggled intensely within my mind trying to rationalise why I wasn't "feeling" God; why I felt so distant from my friends; why I didn't feel comfortable with people, and why I felt so broken and left out of the world. I found myself getting increasingly susceptible to sin; I was giving in to lusts and I was seeking fulfillment in many other places. Guilt started to overwhelm me, and it compounded my separation from God.

While I was worshiping God on Easter Sunday morning, I was hit with an epiphany. I gained a new perspective of how innately sinful I am; of how unworthy I was to worship God; and yet He loves me. I reflected on my actions over the last few months, and I finally realised what God was teaching me.

I was oblivious to the fact that whilst I was seeking God, I was also seeking validation and fulfillment through my friendships, television, and soccer. Whenever I felt down, I would feel a deep craving to vent my bottled-up emotions on the soccer pitch. Whenever I was bored or depressed, I'd pop myself in front of the TV to watch movies or a soccer match. Whenever I needed encouragement, I would go on Facebook or Hotmail hoping to receive a comment or an email of exhortation. When I needed validation, I'd ask a few friends out for a coffee or a movie.

Although many of these things are perfectly fine, they only temporarily filled a void that only seemed to be getting deeper with each bout of false fulfillment.

I realised that through the last 4 years, I had subconsciously been seeking fulfillment in other relationships, be it with friends or sport, rather than in my relationship with God!

I'm still trying to find my feet on God's path for me, and I pray that He will renew my love for serving Him.


On a lighter note, Gab left for Singapore last night to begin his 2 year stint in the army. My bet is that he'll pick up a Singaporean girl and bring her back! :)
If you're reading this, I wish you a joyful time in the army.. remember to KEEP PRAYING... i'll be praying for you too, bro! :)