I Need You, Lord...

"I will lift up my eyes to the hills-
From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth."
- Psalm 121: 1-2

I've been treading through a vast desert of spiritual dryness over the past few months. They're some of the most difficult times I've ever been through. Not long ago, I began to lose my passion and love for serving God. I admit to being extremely sloppy and unmotivated in serving Fungus - and i am sorry.

I've been feeling an unexpected sense of utter spiritual dryness. I seek God through his Word, prayer, and worship.. but I don't feel the sense of fulfillment that I had been receiving in the past. It's been very dejecting, and honestly, I've been lingering on the verge of depression.

I struggled intensely within my mind trying to rationalise why I wasn't "feeling" God; why I felt so distant from my friends; why I didn't feel comfortable with people, and why I felt so broken and left out of the world. I found myself getting increasingly susceptible to sin; I was giving in to lusts and I was seeking fulfillment in many other places. Guilt started to overwhelm me, and it compounded my separation from God.

While I was worshiping God on Easter Sunday morning, I was hit with an epiphany. I gained a new perspective of how innately sinful I am; of how unworthy I was to worship God; and yet He loves me. I reflected on my actions over the last few months, and I finally realised what God was teaching me.

I was oblivious to the fact that whilst I was seeking God, I was also seeking validation and fulfillment through my friendships, television, and soccer. Whenever I felt down, I would feel a deep craving to vent my bottled-up emotions on the soccer pitch. Whenever I was bored or depressed, I'd pop myself in front of the TV to watch movies or a soccer match. Whenever I needed encouragement, I would go on Facebook or Hotmail hoping to receive a comment or an email of exhortation. When I needed validation, I'd ask a few friends out for a coffee or a movie.

Although many of these things are perfectly fine, they only temporarily filled a void that only seemed to be getting deeper with each bout of false fulfillment.

I realised that through the last 4 years, I had subconsciously been seeking fulfillment in other relationships, be it with friends or sport, rather than in my relationship with God!

I'm still trying to find my feet on God's path for me, and I pray that He will renew my love for serving Him.

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On a lighter note, Gab left for Singapore last night to begin his 2 year stint in the army. My bet is that he'll pick up a Singaporean girl and bring her back! :)
If you're reading this, I wish you a joyful time in the army.. remember to KEEP PRAYING... i'll be praying for you too, bro! :)