Sunday, February 12, 2006

Big Baby Steps

It was Ryan's birthday yesterday, so my mum invited his family over for tea this arvo. She prepared a scrumptous apple sponge cakes. Ooh...i'm gonna have a bit more after blogging. Anyway, Fungus went well today. God actually spoke to me, and he revealed some flaws in my life that i had been unwary of.

I tend to gossip, and i find that i enjoy doing it. But i'm going to stop that from now on... i depise it. I've also been careless with my words, and i'm gonna try to stop swearing for good; be it "shit", "crap" or anything vulgar. God, help me to change.

I've been really busy the past few days writing up this English essay on Childhood and Transition. I don't normally spend this much time on an essay, but i fell in love with the topic - Childhood and Transition. It just caused a paroxysm of emotion and sentimental feeling to gush up my sternum and into my innermost being. I was overwhelmed with sweet memories, as well as a jaunty sense of accomplishment =) haha!

Please read the essay that i wrote about my life. You may be pretty surprised, but it's not entirely true!!! Enjoy! =)

Big Baby Steps

Impatient, selfish, petty and immature – words that would amply describe my character a few years back. It was just a while ago when I was a na├»ve Year 4 student at St. Andrews' Junior School. I was not a very sociable person, in fact, I was a little hypocrite. I had three different personalities: I played the teacher’s pet in class, but was a rascal in Sunday school. When around friends, I would put on the bold front, with an I-couldn’t-care-less look imprinted on my face, when what I really longed for was social-interaction.

I was a natural sprinter, strong and agile on the monkey bars and a wiz at Science. It may seem somewhat weird, but I was actually striving to be kind and humble. Although, I stuck to my strict quota on bragging, I looked at show-offs with utter indignation instead of love. I soon lost most of the kindness in my heart after being taken advantage of numerous times. My loans were deemed as money-giveaways, and my help was regarded as free-labour.

My mind cramps up with reproach and shame whenever I recall how immature and selfish I was back then. The enmity I had with my twin-sister, Jerusha, was an unquenchable forest fire. There was not a single day that went by without a heated argument. I got irritated at how she would coat the tap with saliva whenever she brushed her teeth. I got mad whenever she received a bigger present than I did. I selfishly wanted more than what she had. I did not care how hard my parents worked or how they felt. All I knew was that I needed them to provide me with more.

I was trapped in a web of immaturity. All children are victims of it, some escape unscathed; others get scarred in the process, while some never leave it. Fortunately, it only took three hard yanks to free me from it.

The first one came when I was 12. I was attending a Christian youth group, called the Saltshakers, formed by 20 or so high-schoolers. As I was one of the youngest in the group, I found it extremely hard to fit in. Thus, I picked up a truculent attitude towards the Saltshakers. I foolishly flooded the Saltshaker internet forum with all sorts of imbecilic and immature comments just to attract attention. I started to abuse several youth members, especially a girl named Jocelyn, with crass vulgarities; something which I had never ever dreamed of doing. The situation deteriorated until Shaun, an older youth that I had always respected, put a peremptory statement to the argument. The words, “Act your age” rang through my head and galvanized my mind. I began to look at myself in a totally different way, and realised how immature I had been. I thought how I would have looked like through the eyes of the younger kids at church. I remember groveling in the corner of my bedroom mewling bitterly. Despite my state of abjection, my heart was overwhelmed by ardour as I made a commitment to change for the better. I was sedulous in my attempt to be more loving, caring, chary of foul words, and solicitous about my actions. Not long after that incident, Jocelyn (the girl I quarreled with in the forum) and I become best of friends.

The next “big yank” came in the most unexpected form – Jocelyn’s sister, Lydia. She was not the most beauteous girl in the world, but I admired her unique character and her gentle behaviour. I remember sending her a tonne of text messages, and chatting to her over the phone. I had had previous “love” experiences, but none of them felt so genuine and true. However, our blossoming relationship was shattered after my parents decided to migrate to Australia. I was utterly devastated initially, but I learnt to accept the things that went against my will. This relationship really taught me valuable lessons about true love, commitment and dedication.

As I was finally finding a strong foothold to maturity, I began to query about the meaning and purpose of life. It was then that I realised that I had never taken God seriously. I was determined to change that, but I had to know if He was real. So, I prayed for Him to reveal Himself to me; and He did! He miraculously healed my badly sprained knee, and showed me many other amazing signs which boosted my faith in him. When I was younger, I postulated that life was all about making it rich, finding true love and enjoying a happy retirement. However, I found divine love from Jesus Christ, a new hope, and the gift of salvation.

Now I see life as a long and curvy road. Every step you take is an uncertain and risky process of transition. But when I turn around to look back, I want to recall the sweet memories and bitter trials at every corner, and every bend along the way. But most of all, to treasure the ones who raised me on their shoulders, and gave me new eyes.

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