What Paul Wilcox said over the pulpit last Sunday really caught my attention. The title of his message was "Learning to trust God in the midst of hard times". His wife was recently diagnosed with cancer and his young son shattered both his feet and can't even stand up now. But still, he was able to say, "I will trust in the Lord, because i know he loves me".
He said that when God puts us through trials, it's because he loves us so much that he wants to change something in us so that we can become better people. That's so true.
God's been tearing me down a lot recently.. and i'm completely shattered at this point. He's sidelined me from my soccer team, shoved a rejection in my face for the formal, distanced me from all my school mates, made me unconfident about the VCE midyears next week, and just demoralised me so much.
The pressures mounting up because of the important exams next week and i don't want to think about all these comparatively trivial matters, but i don't know why God's doing this to me. Still, i will trust him because he loves me. I have to seek him to find out what he wants to change in me. Something tells me it's humility, or even love.
In fact, i know it's humility. To acknowledge that i can't do anything on me own. That i AM imperfect, and i don't have to be ashamed of being imperfect in front of my friends.
In fact, i know it's love. He's shown me a glimpse of what true love is, and how to identify it. He's taught me to love those in my soccer team even if they've taken my spot. To love someone even if she doesn't love me back in the same way, and yet be able to accept that, and just to love her in way that surpasses an intimate love.
These are all hard changes.. and the trials still aren't over. But God, i will trust in you because i know you love me.
I prayed to him last night because i was feeling down, i didn't expect to be so sad. I asked God to restore unto me the Joy of His Salvation, and then I went to bed early. When i awoke, i could see clearly once again. Praise the Lord! I was happy. I felt a burden lifted off my shoulder. Sure, the worries still remain, but i'm confident.. i'm elated because i know my God cares. The bitterness and sadness i felt from rejection was gone because God showed me a glimpse of what true love really was, i didn't feel like i was missing out on anything anymore.
I posted a month ago that i was going to record a song a day, and post them up so that you peeps can get annoyed with my terribly voice, but more importantly, so that you guys can worship God in a different way. Hopefully find a sentence or two in my songs that really express what you want to say to God deep in your heart. Well, i'm using a really crappy mic, and it doesn't record the guitar well. I'd appreciate a lot if i got a proper professional mic for my birthday! *it's a hint!* :)
So i thought i'd upload it, my first uploaded song.. pardon my atrocious voice and just dwell on the words. You might not like it, but it expresses what i truly feel - a personal song of praise. You can play the song on the top right hand corner. Just double click on the song entitled "A Tool's Cry".
A Tool's Cry
Who do you think i am?
I'm just a man with my head down in the sand.
Who do you take me for?
I'm not a superhero.
I've got my head in the sand.
Don't you understand?
I'm in need of a friend.
Who listens to me,
Who whispers to me,
Those three simple words.
That "I love you."
"I love you"
"I love you"
"I love you"
Lord, i'm standing here before you,
Raising my hands,
I'm crying out to you
Won't you hear me?
I'd be a tool
If you want me to
I'd be a fool,
Just to hear you say that you care.
God & isaac
* When the Lord healed my broken heart and answered my desperate prayer just to grant me enough faith to trust him for those that remain unanswered.
I'm a fool for you. For you are wise and you know what's best. So be glorified with this song of praise!