Free falling into the dark deep with nothing but a harness strapped around my waist... will the rope be long enough?
At this stage, it seems ever so short.
I'm tired. Physically, but more severely, Spiritually.
I never thought I'd come to this, especially with all that God's been putting on my heart over the past couple of weeks. Amidst my decision to make stand for God, I find my heart desperately crying out:
"Where are you, God?"
I need you.
This week has been overwhelming for me.
This Friday's the launch of MUSHroom. I want to, but I don't seem to have that same passion and fervor that I once had for it. And there are reasons behind it -
Firstly, I've been pushing and pushing; trying to motivate others to share my passion. I've been hit with harsh and discouraging remarks, but i did persevere. And here we are.. all ready to launch, but I found it soo hard to remain positive as I wrote a prep email for the CIA members last night.
Then, there's this doubt within me that some CIA members aren't really motivated to serve themselves! Sure, I could point out a handful that are serving because they love Christ. Yet I know that some others are there for the wrong reasons. And I think it's fair enough to say that the reasons are of a lustful/sexual nature. How can we influence people to develop Christ-centred relationships if we ourselves aren't practising that in our personal lives?!
I've committed two days this week to do evagelistic surveys at Melb Uni with Sam and Chris. In high-spirits, I boldly agreed to make a stand for Christ at Uni. Afterall, it IS the Great Commandmant to go and make disciples!
So off we went from 4-6pm on Tuesday. Sam did the first few intros. The first group we approached gave disgusted replies. One guy even added: "I hate you!" in a sincere tone of utter disgust. Sam thought that i'd be discouraged as it was the worse response he'd received in his 4 years of Street-E. I found it rather funny..
We approached 6 other pple. We received 6 other rejections. Ironically, I was gaining more and more confidence with each rejection. And I began to really comprehend what it felt like to boldly proclaim your beliefs and to obey Jesus. Chris joined us at 5pm, and the 3 of us approached this couple who agreed to do our survey.
Our 30-min conversation about the reality of God, the folly of the Gospel, the truth of the bible, etc. was extremely detailed. The couple were Vet Science students, and they obviously had a firm foundation about evolution (which they believe is a proven fact). The man told us that he had a Christian phase. He was persuaded by a Christian friend to honestly seek God. So he did. He said to God: "God, if you're real, show yourself to me."
He went on to read many Christian books. He said that God never "showed up", and it took very little to totally destroy what little faith he had. That story really discouraged me. At that point of time, I told Sam and Chris that I was actually intrigued and encouraged despite the disheartening conversation we had with that couple. I was encouraged because the man described faith as "folly; an insult to science" and that was precisely what Paul was talking about in Corinthians. He stated that God's wisdom seems like foolishness to man, and no one can understand it except by the Grace of God.
Unknowingly, lil sprouts of doubt started to well up in my heart and my faith seemed utterly shaky. Do I truly know what I believe in? Or am I just another idiot that has merely taken up a religion as a source of peace, hope and love? Has it all been real? Or have I merely been disillusioned?
The other thing that's really getting to me is my studies. I've been spending so much time thinking about God and doing ministry in Fungus and in Uni that I've TOTALLY neglected my studies. I'm seriously falling behind when my exams are just around the corner.
No, don't get me wrong. I haven't given up on God. I know that it is only by FAITH that we are saved. God HAS spoken to me through various parts of my life. He HAS put peace and hope in my heart in my lowest of moments. Jesus HAS changed my life - and many can testify to that!
But I'm spiritually drained.. i'm tired.. fatigued in every way possible. I've been reading the Word, but nothing's coming through to my weary spirit.
God, if you are real.
Show yourself to me.
Restore unto me the Joy of the Lord
And with Faith that pacifies the doubts of my mind
I need you, Jesus.
This I ask for your Name's sake.